Apr 27, 2016

A "Work From Home" Mom Fail

Last week I had a crazy week with work.  I had emergencies come my way in every direction.  To make it worse...it was my daughter's birthday that week too.  My phone was ringing.  People were frantic.  Emails were flooding in.  It was crazy.  There were many times that I actually screamed out loud.

I was supposed to have my daughter's birthday off so I could focus on her.  (Birthdays are a big deal around here.  You only turn 4 once you know!)  However, the emails, phone calls, and full on company meltdowns still happened.  Unfortunately, I do not have the type of personality to just let them freak out and I walk away.  

So what did I do?  I helped them.  I did as little as I could, but it still took time to help them.  My daughter was not happy about it, but thankfully my mom decided to join us in our festivities that day so she could be "mom" for those frantic episodes.  Since she was around my guilt did not cripple me as I so often let it.  

However, most days do not go like that.  I am at home alone with my two girls.  I am a huge planner and I plan an activity each day with the girls.  Sometimes they are activities they both can do (one is 4 and the other is 8 months).  Other times I plan two separate activities.  During this time I am all attention on them.  I find that if I do this then my mom guilt is reduced and they actually act better.

I plan these activities a month at a time.  It works FANTASTIC, except when it DOESN'T.  Those days do happen.  They come and it is hard.  Those days the television is used as a crutch far too often or even the tablet.  I really don't mind technology when used appropriately.  I think it can be a great learning tool.  

However, when I am busy and my phone won't stop ringing and people are falling apart at work then I don't rely on the educational pieces because my daughter usually asks too many questions.  I don't have time for that so I just turn on what she will watch while being half hypnotized.  

For my baby during these frantic moments I stick her in her crib with toys that I know won't hurt her and leave.  There are times that she is hysterical by the time I get back to her.  I have a camera in her room so I know she is not hurt, but it pains me to a degree I can't explain when I can't comfort her because I am dealing with adults at work that are causing more drama than my kids.  (Sorry there was a rant right there for you.) 

Thankfully, those days do not happen often, but when they do it is hard to continue that day with a smile on my face.  It completely drains me and I feel so disconnected with my kids.  It is horrible.  If you are a mom that works from home then I am sure you have had some of these days.  I am sorry!  I know how it feels and it is not a fun feeling to have.  

Just know that you are not alone.  You have me as a cheerleader.  I would love an email from you when you feel like you can't do it any longer.  I will be there as an inspiration to tell you that although you feel like you failed.  The fact of the matter is that is not the case.  You are a wonderful mother.  You are trying the best you can and that is what your kids need.  

The only bit of advice I can give you is to make sure that those days are not too much.  If that is 90% of your days then maybe try and evaluate your situation.  Maybe a new job is the answer.  Maybe there are costs that can be cut and you can live off of one income (if you have a working spouse).  Maybe you can get a nanny or some help for an hour or two a day.  Whatever the answer is make sure that you are not going to die young because of all the stress you are under.  It is not worth it.  

I have some big news.  I hinted about it in the post about my focus for this year.  I am actually going to quit (well sort of).  When I say sort of I mean I will be more of a consultant for the company I work for.  I will work about a tenth of the time I work now.  Of course money will be tighter, but I am okay with that because things are not going well with me.  My health has suffered because of all the stress my job has me under.  I found after months of soul searching that it is not worth it.  I have been doing it for far too long and I am done.  Of course I am a little scared.  Change is hard for me.  So that is to be expected with me.  

Wish me luck! 

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